Interview with a Castrated Person

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Eunuch, as he has come to be called in the eunuch chat areas, was
interviewed by both AEQ (news:alt.eunuchs.questions/members and BME in
January of 1998.

Q: How did you get castrated and can you tell me why and method of
your choice?

A: To me honest, my desire to be castrated started before puberty and
stemmed from a desire to be feminized.

Q: Did this manifest itself in any other ways? (Transvestitism, wigs,
makeup, etc.)?

A: Yes it did. My best friend at the time and I would often curl each
others hair and apply makeup. We were also into gay sex which always
led to penetration. Alone I would often tuck my genitals up between my
legs to simulate being female.

Q: Do you have any interest in a sex change?

A: No, not any more. When I was young I would oftentimes go to sleep
praying that when I woke up I would be turned female. This feeling
began to subside while I was going through my teen years. When I got
married, my thoughts changed and I began to really enjoy being male. I
look upon myself as male, just a castrated male, and no longer think
about sex change.

Q: How far back do you remember this going on?

A: I would have to say it started at the age of nine and really was
prevalent in my mind at 11-12. I really hated my balls and dreamt of
being abducted, chained to a wall naked with a locking ring around
them, and used. I even went so far as to approximate the situation
with string, tying up my balls to the point they would change color.
As I grew into adolescence my desire to be feminized dissolved but my
desire to be a submissive bottom increased, and the desire to be
castrated grew.

As a young man my desire to be castrated was as strong as ever, but
also was my need to experence love and sex with women so I lost my
virginity and began an important and difficult part of my life.

I married a wonderful woman when we were both in our twenties, and sex
with her was good most of the time but lurking in my mind was my
overwhelming desire to be castrated for reasons that are impossible to
accurately put into words. To be castrated and not be male nor
feminine is about the best description I can communicate. I started
reading anything I could find about castration and began experimenting
with the band-type emasculator. Then I started cutting.

My wife grew unhappy with our relationship and left the house which
then allowed me the freedom to really start experimenting. I began
making bolder and deeper cuts in my penis and scrotum until one day
around June 1994 when the I made the biggest cut of them all.

My intentions were to open up the side of my scrotum and pull the
testicle out just to see what one looked like. However, after cutting
in deep enough to the point the testicle was visible I realized that
no matter what, it wasn't going to go back in and I needed emergency
room care. I figured if this was the case I might as well remove the
testicle and make the trip worth while so I did.

Frightening massive bleeding began and I fashioned a bandage out of a
washcloth and duct tape then drove to the hospital where they removed
the cord all the way up inside and kept me for 3 days. I lived with
just one testicle for three years while I pondered the removal of the
second one. In Feb of 1997 it occurred. I had been thinking about full
castration all day and had decided that I was going to go ahead with
it when a friend came by for no reason at all to visit. He knew of my
desires and encouraged me to follow my dreams, so I handed him a
burdizzo clamp and laid it out on the table. With two applications to
the cord, I began life as a eunuch. I had an ultrasound done and it
proved the testicle was dead. A month later I removed the testicle to
keep in a jar, but unfortunately I didn't think to ligate the cord, so
it was back to the hospital where they fixed me up and kept me for
observation.

Q: What kind of observation?

Both times I was in the hospital I was kept in the urology ward for
afew days to make sure I was physically able to function after losing
so much blood. I was continually filled with anti-biotics and saline
and of course had to drag the IV stand wherever I went (a.k.a. the
iron tree). I was also in alot of pain from them digging into my
innards so far. In the first surgery when they removed to cord all the
way up it felt like someone had firmly inserted a shoe up my inguanal
canal and left it there.

Also, during the procedure they put an endotracial tube down my
throat so my entire chest felt like it had be crushed in a industrial
strength trash compactor. During the second surgery they used an
epidural which is suppose to numb the body from the waist down, but
didn't work too well in my case so they pumped me full of demerol
while the supposedly pulling down the spermatic cord to attached it to
the body. What it felt like was the equivalent of them tying it to a
door knob then opening and slamming the door. The pain killers they
gave me after the procedures were strong enough to lessen the torture
greatly, but they also made me rather dysfunctional.

During the first surgery I lied through my teeth about how I lost the
testicle which couldn't be disproved so I was released after three
days. After I had recovered sufficiently from the second surgery they
sent me to the psyche ward because I had admitted I had removed it
myself.

In retrospect I would have to say my method of choice would be to have
the procedure done by a licensed professional. Surgical castration is
a very tricky thing and bleeding to death is a real issue. My second
choice would be the application of a 14-inch or larger burdizzo clamp,
crushing each cord twice instead of the usual once. The clamp is non-
invasive and easy to use. The recovery time is minimal.

Q: Do you still have a scrotum?

A: Yes I do. It of course is very small and the skin is very thick due
to the shrinkage. Also, due to my previous cuttings and my castration,
it is badly scarred. If you look at me from my left side, it looks
like there is nothing below my penis. On the right side it looks like
there might be a testicle, but it would have to be very tiny. For some
reason it itches.

Q: Do you intend to have it removed at any point?

A: At first, no. Removing my nuts was the ultimate act for me and
anything further was undesirable. Now I am considering it and have
been in contact with both plastic surgeons and urologists in my area
to see about it's removal. I think that if I had only the castration
scars I wouldn't desire it's removal, but as said before it is kinda
torn up and doesn't look very attractive.

Q: How long has it been since your castration? Is your cock shrinking
and if so how much?

A: At the time of this writing it has been almost a year since my
remaining testicle was removed. The size of my penis really hasn't
changed. When I stopped taking hormones, my penis was of course small
but no smaller than it would be on a cold day. With hormones I have
had two experiences in size. Injections of Depo-testosterone from my
normal clinic provide erections that aren't as strong as ones I
experienced before castration and so the size of the erection is
smaller both in length and girth. They are also more flexible. One
injection of supposedly the same amount of testosterone from a clinic
I visited while on vacation provided raging hardons with erections the
same size and durability as before castration. I do not know why the
injections were so different, but they were. Frankly, I believe that
no permanent change in penile size will occur that won't be regained
with hormone treatment.

Q: What made you decide to (1) start taking hormones?

A: The hot flashes. Three months or so after my castration I noticed a
lessened libido and problems with orgasm. What orgasm I had was
fantastic--better than ever in my life, but I couldn't maintain an
erection for more than half a minute without extreme stimulation. As
the summer progressed I began to get the hot flashes which normally
wouldn't have bothered me except I was working in a warehouse
environment with outside temperature over 90F. It was more than
uncomfortable and really for that sole reason alone, I began taking
hormones.

Q: ...and (2) stop taking them?

A: I couldn't afford them. Depo-testosterone is only $18 US but it was
too much for me. The summer had cooled down so that wasn't a problem
anymore. I didn't want to ask someone for $18 so I stopped taking
them. The results were what you might expect. Loss of libido,
inability to have erections, etc. I was very happy with the thought of
being sexually shut down, but at the same time in my heart I really
wanted, and needed, sex. I still haven't experienced it after my
castration, but hopefully that will change some day.

Q: Will you stay off of hormones then?

A: Not at this time. I am having a problem with my weight and while I
don't look too bad yet, I don't want to get any heavier which would
happen if I stopped my hormone treatment. Also, as mentioned before,
the hormone treatments aren't working as well as they probably should
and thus I get the best of both worlds.

Q: How would you feel at a nudist beach with females pointing and
laughing at you?

A: I have had some concern about how my altered state would affect the
opposite sex. But have never thought about walking down the beach
being laughed at. I guess I would take in it good cheer and ask the
ladies if they would like to have a closer look. In talking to woman,
both whom I know and ones I have met on chat lines, I get mixed
opinions. The females that know me feel say that it makes no
difference being castrated or not. The ladies on the chat lines who
have gotten to know me feel the same way saying that love and your
heart matter more to them than having testicles. Some say that the
thought is very erotic, and yesterday I heard from a woman whom I chat
with often who said she masturbated the night before to the thought of
us having sex together in my castrated state. I was very flattered.
Unfortunatly I have also had some very negative comments saying that
the thought was vulgar and repulsive. To each their own.

Q: Do you date?

A: No, not yet in the sense of taking someone out for dinner and to
see the show. My divorce took several years to iron out and all that
time I foolishly hoped that my wife might come back. I also felt that
my marriage vow was a promise that while I was married I wasn't going
to see others. Friends minimized my feelings during that time and
tried to match me up with possible soul/sex mates, but I just couldn't
break my vows. Now that my divorce has been finalized and am ready to
date again, I just can't seem to find that special one who trips my
trigger. However, I am young and patient and time is on my side.

Q: Have you been with women since your castration?

A: No. Not physically. Mentally yes, with members of both sexes. I
look forward to the day the real thing comes along.

Q: Do you miss shooting a nice big load?

A: No, not really. Orgasm is something very special to me now, rather
than a necessity. It is also very much more intense. Although the
actual feeling of fluid flowing up your penis is a wonderful part of
orgasm, I have had some of my most intense orgasms with only a drop of
fluid appearing at the tip of the urethra. In fact, some of my best
ever. Taking hormones has increased the amount of semen discharge, but
not to its previous extent. Of course, like normal, the amount differs
from orgasm to orgasm. It is whitesh-clear in color. I don't know if
it tastes different.

Q: Do you have any sexual desire left at all? Do you ever feel horny?

A: At my lowest hormone level, no. I had no sexual desire, no
erections, no nothing. Everything sexual was shut down. Taking
hormones has raised me to a functional level, but thankfully not to
the level before castration. I had a real problem with sexual urges
before and would often times masturbate three to four times a day. It
was very inconvenient and even affected my job performance. Now I feel
much more in control. My sexual urges stem more from mental desire
than physical need. I still masturbate but only 1-2 times a week and
most of the time I am unable to have orgasm, which means it is a much
more special an event.

Another change in me is my erotic thoughts. Before castration I was
more interested in shoving my dick in any orifice and screwing it. Now
I realize that I might not be able to perform normally and my lips,
teeth, tongue, and fingers might be the only sexual tools I can use
and I find that very erotic.

Q: Are you interested in carrying your nullification further, to
penectomy?

A: No. I personally know of men who have had their genitalia
completely removed but it was primarily done to deprive them of sexual
release except possible orgasm while they acted as Bottoms. All of
them were very happy that the procedure was done, but frankly I would
have a hard time with the inability to urinate standing up.

Q: I think it's safe to say that the eunuch community, at least the
public one, is a gay male group. What affinity, if any, do you feel
with them?

A: I feel a tremendous kinship to any man who is voluntarily castrated
as castration oversteps sexual preference. Every man has his own
reasons and gay men are perhaps most noted for castration, but look at
ads throughout the Internet under the heading s/m relationships and
you will see straight males willing to be castrated in order to
satisfy their female doms. In both cases (gay men -- s/m relationship)
the message can be interpreted as a desire to be submissive to a
greater power.

However, I contend, that underlying the desire to be submissive is a
desire to be castrated just for castration's sake and that if asked,
most eunuchs cannot put their feelings into words. However a
castration done to please someone else and not yourself is a crime.
There is also a group of men whose main desire to be relieved of their
testicles is the need to end sexual desire. A friend of mine who I
recently castrated is in this group. He considers himself bi-sexual
and just wants the sex drive eradicated. Naturally, he is not planning
on taking hormones unless some physical need necessitates it.

Q: Did you ever seek "traditional" psychiatric care for this desire?

A: I was afraid to. Doctors and therapists are suppose to take a
professional and candid attitude about what is discussed with them but
I was very concerned about what my happen if anything leaked out. I
was also afraid that I would be declared insane or something just as
bad and shipped off. And really, inside my heart, I believed that my
desire didn't stem from any sort of mental disorder but rather a
desire that I would have liked to have fulfilled and not something
that would ruin my life if it didn't come true. My eventual castration
was the result of years of soul-searching, pondering, researching,
etc. It was not a rapid thing. In fact, if anyone who reads this
witnesses someone all of a sudden deciding he wants to be castrated
and whips out a pocket knife, restrain that person and get them help
right away.

Q: Did you have friends or even online contacts to help you through
this period, or were you effectively alone?

Q: I saw a copy of Drummer Magazine and submitted an ad describing my
desires and got back quite a lot of responses. Some were hokey while
others were very sincere and I replied to them. What was most
reassuring was the ability for the first time in my life to say to
another person that I wanted to be castrated and not feel like I was
going to be criticized or ridiculed. At the time there was no one
talking about castration and therefore I did get a flood of mail which
took a long time to answer, but nearly everyone I corresponded with
who desired castration couldn't easily tell me why they wanted it
done. It seemed that most of the guys felt just like I did, they just
really wanted it done.

At that time there was almost nothing on the Internet about castration
and it is refreshing to see that has changed. I have kept in contact
with a few of the people I met because of that Drummer ad and one of
asked me to castrate him, which I did. Otherwise I can say that I now
have an emotional support group, people that know me perhaps better
than I know myself.

Q: How did the doctors react to you?

A: Not very well. Initially, their major concern was repairing a life
threatening wound. Later they became strange and aloof. I am sure that
doctors have to be this way in order to survive the ordeals of the
job. I never felt like just a piece of meat in their care, nor did I
feel like a human being.

Q: What do you think of eunuchs who do their castrations in a much
more fetishistic environment?

A: I think that those that allow themselves to be castrated in such an
environment are foolish. What are these people thinking? The "come on
over and let's have a ball-slashing good time" mentality is ludicrous.
It just isn't reality. Becoming a eunuch is a life-changing
proposition and needs to be approached with thought and planning. You
can allow a piercing to heal up. You can laser off a tattoo. You
cannot replace your testicles, and once you lose them you are a eunuch
for life. Castration is too important a decision to allow it to happen
at the spur of the moment or during the heat of sex...And those who go
so far as to eat the testicles? I would think that it would be so much
nicer to keep them in a jar for all to see. Eating the testicles would
be cannibalism, and although I am a very open minded person and willing
to participate in just about anything, that is not something I could
see me doing. I guess I could cook them and arrange them with a little
garnish for someone else, but I couldn't eat them. If a person wants
to taste testicle there are many restaurants and grocery stores where
one can buy them. When I lived in a southern state there was a weekly
all-you-can-eat deer fry chow.

Q: What advice would you have for would-be eunuchs?

A: Oh boy. I sure don't want to sound like a mother-hen because what
is good for me may not be for another. I guess the most important
advice I can give is to thoroughly examine your desire in a realistic
fashion. Take your time in examining yourself and what makes you tick.
Take years. Most would-be eunuchs I have spoken with are sufficiently
young enough that thinking it out for ten years or more will still
provide a lifetime of experience as a eunuch. There are older would-be
eunuchs whom I have talked with and in their case they don't have much
time. But because of their wisdom and experience, they are able to
make the decision in a far more realistic manner, i.e., "If I become a
eunuch today, I will have to live as a eunuch until the day I die. Is
that something I will be able to handle down the line?" Don't get me
wrong though. If a person understands the implications, has the
overwhelming desires, and can say honestly "I want this done for ME",
then by all means go for it. It is that honesty part that can be a
little tricky and it is probably the most important facet of your
decision.

One thing I do not understand are gentlemen confiding in me who wish
to be castrated so they can be more submissive in their present love
affair. What it tells me is that "I don't want this done for me
really, my significant other wants it done," and that is a no-no. The
decision needs to be made by yourself and for yourself. The only other
bit of advice I can give is that the procedure, if done surgically,
really should be done by a trained professional.


 

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